nayela: (by birdyjae)
I went a little bit overboard while I was in town today. I came home with no fewer than seven different things that will make me or my house or my bathwater smell amazing. Some of them I can combine; others are best on their own. I'd blame this on playing a character possessed of hyperactive, constantly-hungry senses, but as all of her sensory tics and obsessions are just mine ramped up to 11, that's not an excuse that'll hold water. :D

I can now, if I so choose, smell of rosemary, citrus and spices; of smoky sandalwood and honey, or of cherry blossom for a very different mood. Some of these scents will be claimed by characters, some will be just for me. And when I put them on they'll remind me of nights under the stars, of being beside myself with drama, of being hopeful or flirtatious or gleefully horrid, with all the pleasant distraction and encouragement those memories bring.

The other day I was thinking of mine and [livejournal.com profile] lordofthewheel's wedding, and Shenanigans, and all the other brilliant parties I've been to in recent years, and it struck me how different my life is now from how it was ten years ago - five years ago, even. Look at us now - all us kids who had no friends at school, all us teenagers who felt they'd got lost on the wrong planet, us twentysomethings who threw no birthday parties because we knew nobody would show up, us lonely students who lived vicariously through the internet wondering when our lives would start, or if we'd ever find love, or if we were irredeemably broken - look at us now. We're building tribes, making friends, losing friends, picking each other up, breaking hearts, raising families, weaving relationships in new shapes that suit us, and maybe we won't die alone, after all. We've turned out all right. We're going to be okay.
nayela: (Default)
For most of my life, I've self-identified as an introvert. You know that handy rule of thumb that goes along the lines of 'Extroverts thrive on being around people; introverts need time alone to recharge'? I've always liked that one. It doesn't make any claims about people's actual enjoyment (or lack thereof) of social situations, or any judgements about their ability to handle human interaction. And the latter part fits me to a tee - I love my friends, but sometimes I just want to curl up alone and chill out by myself.

That feeling of 'I need a break from people' was almost constantly present during my teenage years, where I regarded other human beings largely as a threat. Those weren't good years. It took me ages to realize that being around my peer group was not necessarily a draining experience, that I could be part of a social circle without constantly watching my back. (Learning how not to alienate said social circle was a whole different can of worms...)

Fast forward to now. I still take breaks from being social when I need to - during family gatherings, games evenings, what have you. Being able to do this (because people are lovely and understand) is immensely helpful. But, the paradoxical thing is, my default method of doing so these days is hanging out on the internet and talking to more people online.

Somewhere in the past few years I've gone from being completely content all by myself to actively craving company. It's gone to the point that I'll voluntarily spend an extra night in a wet, muddy, literally freezing field just to party with my friends. And after whingeing for weeks about wanting a weekend off from traveling/doing stuff/having guests, I suddenly want nothing more than to trek out to Oxford and see if the usual suspects are up for pubbage. I think I'm losing my 'shy and retiring wallflower' cred here.

So, introvert or just poorly socialised? I'm not entirely sure anymore.

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nayela

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